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  "Every chance he gets, Riley is in your face. ‘Look at me, look at me, look at me.’ He's so into you and has no idea what to do about it."

  This could not be true. Riley hated me with every bone in his body. Could Ella possibly be right? What would I think if some guy behaved like that around her?

  Oh, shit.

  I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Riley was fucking into me. What hadn't I seen that? Granted, he had some pretty fucked up ways of showing it. No, I changed my mind, it couldn't be true. Ella had it all wrong. Did she want me to stay away from Julian? my suspicious, irrational mind thought. Maybe she wanted me to be with Riley, so we could all be one happy family.

  She was right though. As soon as he had the chance, he'd taken seconds to get into my pants. But that was Riley; he got into any pants loose enough. And he had been full-on harassing me since the moment I‘d arrived. Maybe he was in love with me since the time I punched him in the nuts. I had a theory that guys fell in love with anyone who punches them in the nuts. They were fucked-up irrational that way.

  Crap, what was I going to do?

  Ella got up and brushed off her uniform. Thanks for coming by and dropping that little bombshell. I feel so much better now. No, I didn't, I felt a hundred times more awkward. I got up too, but now I felt everyone was watching me. Riley, and everyone who guessed Riley was in love with me. Was this what Mia had known, why she was so jealous all the time? She could have him.

  I cleared by throat and walked inside. Everything felt more uncomfortable now. My skin literally felt like it was crawling. Did everyone know? Did Julian know? What this something he and Ella discussed?

  For once, I didn't feel like a cigarette, and granted, the back of the restaurant had bad memories for me. I went to drop the water bottle back in the fridge. Riley wasn't at his station and I felt huge relief wash over me.

  I left the bottle in the fridge and turned to head back to the counter, but no, there he was, with his arm across the doorway and I was trapped in our small lunch room.

  "About yesterday," he said.

  I shifted on my feet, scratched my head and wiped my nose. Crap, what did he want from me? "Uh," was all I could manage. He was looking at me. Why was he looking at me? What did he see?

  "Just expressing my opinion. Everyone has one, and mine tends to be well defined."

  "Uh huh," I said. "You know, whatever."

  "Whatever?"

  Don't question me, I wanted to say.

  "Your life choices are something you have to deal with. You're the one who has to live with them."

  I couldn't look at him, not knowing exactly what I'd see if I did. Confirmation maybe? I didn't want confirmation. I was probably better off without confirmation. Would I look into his eyes and just know?

  "Did you at some point recently have a lobotomy?"

  My eyes snapped to his. There he was, staring at me. The whole world pressing on me. "Uh, I need to go to the bathroom—urgently." It just flowed out of my mouth. After a moment, his arm dropped and I could pass. Great, I thought and headed to the bathroom. Why don't we bring diarrhea into the discussion?

  Sitting down on the toilet lid, I sank my head into my hands. Oh my God, I had just turned into a squeaking mouse, to the point where he asked if I'd had my brain removed. My sanity maybe. This was literally driving me insane.

  * * *

  Chapter 34:

  * * *

  Ignoring Riley was much too easy and it took me some time to realize he was ignoring me right back. My unease had made me focus solely on the work. But now I saw it. He didn't look at me; he didn't speak to me and he went nowhere near me. Had Ella told him about our discussion? Was that why he was giving me the cold shoulder?

  This was just too fucked up to deal with. Maybe it was all better this way and I should be grateful this was the new status quo.

  Still, the knot of pure unease sat like lead in my chest. It felt like everything was unresolved and we were simply refusing to notice that fact. But then how could it be resolved? What exactly was supposed to happen?

  It still hit me at times, the realization that Riley actually liked me. Judging from his behavior now, you might question that, but then if he didn't give a shit would he bother giving me the cold shoulder?

  He didn't turn around when I walked out the back, rummaging through my bag for my cigarettes. The 'I don't feel like smoking' phase passed extraordinarily quickly and now I was back to it. Quitting seemed like an impossible task—just like dealing with Riley.

  I breathed a sigh of relief as I walked out the back, but I wasn't alone. It wasn't Riley because his icy disregard had already been apparent. Instead, Wyatt was sitting on the chair, biting his nails.

  "Hey," I said.

  "Hey, Pepper. How are things?"

  "Good," I said and sat down on one of the concrete pavers and crossed my legs. "How is the comic business?"

  "Good. Working on that new story. It will take some time."

  I smiled and lit my cigarette, drawing the smoke down into my lungs and feeling guilty. Always guilty.

  "Aren't you off to college soon?" he said, tucking his arms around his chest.

  "Yeah, a couple of weeks."

  "Got your classes sorted?"

  "The bulk of them I have to do, but I've got placeholders for the rest. I can change my mind all the way to the end of the first week of classes."

  "Still can't decide, huh?"

  I shook my head. "You’d figure it wouldn’t be hard, but, you know, decide the rest of your life now. No pressure. I guess others find it easy. I don't."

  "I always knew what I wanted to do. I'm still not entirely sure I can make a living doing it."

  I smiled weakly. "I hope it works out."

  "Ditto."

  "So Riley's totally ignoring me," I said, finally working up the courage to bring it up. If anyone knew how Riley worked, it was Wyatt.

  "You did call him a total loser."

  Ah, there was that. And apparently he'd told Wyatt about it. I hadn't known Riley would take it to heart, enough to get shitty with me. I felt a little bad, because he'd obviously gotten upset over the discussion. Apparently this was another thing he actually responded to. Normally he didn't give a fuck about anything. Teasing him about his fear of making some girl pregnant was fun, but calling him a loser now felt a bit mean. But then what was I supposed to say when he chose to forgo college and normal development to basically flame out.

  With a groan, I rubbed by fingers over my eyebrows. "It's just… "

  "Don't talk to me about it," Wyatt said, getting up. "I want no part of this discussion."

  With another sigh, I crossed my arms and watched Wyatt return inside. Now I felt like a real bitch. Was I being a bitch? We were supposed to be accepting and supportive of each other's life choices, weren't we? There were no right answers or so the counselors at our school kept saying, but Riley was doing this in some bitter protest.

  Would it be cowardly of me to choose for this to all stay like as it was, with him ignoring me, possibly forever? I would quite happily not deal with this, because it was all too complicated. No, nothing was easy when it came to Riley. He had to be awkward about everything. Or would sticking my head in the sand simply make me a complete pussy?

  *

  What to do about Riley preyed on my mind the rest of the night. He flatly ignored me. The problem was that as per usual, I didn't know what I wanted. Well, I didn't want to feel like this, so there was that.

  Desperately slowly, the clock moved forward and it was finally time to go. The lights in the main restaurant were flicked off and the place had that eerie vacant feel as we all herded out of the back.

  Julian and Ella left in Julian's car.

  "Are they a full on couple now?" Mia asked.

  I shrugged. It was certainly more than a 'here thing' as Ella had referred to it before. Maybe she had now realized that Julian was so much better than the coked-up party boys she used to go for. I hoped so f
or her sake. Or was she giving up her dreams of a glamorous life with some athlete to settle with Julian? Julian deserved more than someone settling for him, and Ella deserved to know how fundamentally cool Julian was. Was that exactly what I was doing, disparaging Riley because he wasn't going to have a life full of material things and prestige?

  Riley was walking to his monstrosity of a car.

  "Can I speak to you for a moment?" I said, feeling nervousness creep up my spine. I really didn't want to have this conversation, but I hated feeling crap about myself.

  He stopped and looked at me as if unsure he wanted to bother. Grudgingly, he stepped closer, staring at me with a tight mouth and a remote attitude.

  "I'm sorry I called you a loser. It was none of my business commenting on your life choices."

  "Okay," he said and started turning away.

  "Okay? That's it?" It wasn't far from a 'whatever.’ I had put myself out there and all he gave me was a verbal shrug.

  "What do you want me to say, Pepper?"

  "You have to admit your choices are a bit extreme. You are basically forgoing a normal life."

  "Or maybe I don't feel that utter indenturement is normal. Maybe the more important question is: why aren't you objecting?"

  "Because this is how things are done? This is what everyone does?"

  "It was never supposed to be this way. It's all gone sideways, don't you see that? The problem with being a sheep and following the herd is that the people who are leading you don't have your best interests at heart—they want to eat you."

  I exhaled and straightened up. Yes, we were having this discussion again. "I get where you are coming from, I do, but… " Actually what could I say? You're ruining your chances of having a fabulous SUV to run you around disintegrating streets and insane congestion, to a job you're completely trapped in.

  "And what, Pepper? At what point are you going to say no?"

  Voting was supposed to solve this, wasn't it? Wasn't that supposed to be how it worked? But really, who was there to vote for, as they all did the same damn thing, or were too weak to actually do anything—that had only become more and more apparent. And the candidates had turned into extreme caricatures. I groaned. "Can we just stop arguing about something we can't solve and instead you accept my apology?"

  "All I'm saying is I'm solving it my way. And yes, I accept your apology. Can we fuck now?"

  "Argh!" I screamed at him. One track mind much? He smiled. Fine, he was teasing me again—something he did when he was uncomfortable. I felt stupid for falling for it.

  "You make it too easy. Although you could have said yes, which makes it a bit of a win-win situation, as far as I'm concerned."

  "I'm leaving now," I said in exasperation.

  "All prickles, you are," he said, smiling as he moved to his car. "You can't even admit you like me."

  "I do not," I said, which even to me came across as a good impersonation of a fifth grader. See, he drove me up the wall. How can anyone take him seriously? Then again, acting like this, who could take me seriously?

  I got in my car without another word and I watched in my mirror as Riley pulled out and drove away, his car making a deep rumbling sound with the acceleration.

  I sat for a moment longer. I felt better now that we'd talked and I'd apologized. Now he was back to teasing me. My aunt would call it sexual harassment, probably. I could probably have him up on charges, or fired, or something. I could also grab a knife and chop off his finger. Any mention of sex in any context was technically forbidden. But Riley didn't conform. That was his thing. He didn't conform. Was he right, when we are getting screwed in every possible direction?

  I was looking at studying law so I could potentially get screwed less than others. I had no fucking interest in law. It was the most boring subject on the planet as far as I was concerned. Hadn’t it become part of the gross corruption, twisting the intent of our country and actually creating injustice? Did I want to spend my life in that quagmire, a part of the system that no longer does what it's supposed to? Did I want to live with that knowledge and guilt for the rest of my life? I felt guilty enough about fucking smoking.

  Fuck it, I would not be studying law, I decided. I wanted to do shit I was interested in, be a person I would be interested in meeting. I had no idea exactly what that was, but now I couldn't wait to get home and look through my course catalog. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me. I could do anything, study anything—Greek philosophers, Nigerian basket weaving, gender roles in media, whatever. I could study Egyptology. Granted, I didn't exactly know what that involved, but if it sounded interesting, I could do it.

  I stuck my car in reverse. I couldn't wait to get home.

  * * *

  Chapter 35:

  * * *

  It felt like one big issue had been solved. I had a set of classes I was really happy with, including a schedule. A big sense of unease had lifted, but it wasn't all roses. Now that my college stuff was sorted, there was another thing preying on my mind—what to do about Riley.

  Firstly, was there anything to do about Riley? Why was I feeling so crappy? It would be great if someone came in and just told you—this is what you're feeling, but it isn't like that, you just feel awful with no more instruction.

  I still felt totally awkward being around him—nerves, unease and sheer confusion. And shortly, I would be at work. The radio was blasting some song I wasn't paying attention to. I had the windows down and the air-conditioning on at the same time. It was quite nice, if not completely wasteful—a fail in the good, sustainable citizen league.

  Riley's car was already in the parking lot. There was stuff in the back, sports gear. Is that what he did during the days? In all the time I'd known him, I'd never really known. I just figured he smoked pot and hung out in front of the TV. Why couldn't he just stick to a stereotype and make it easy for everyone?

  I drew in a large breath when I walked in, not knowing what I was going to get. Would he ignore me? Were we friends again? Strike that, we were never friends. Or were we? I didn't know. Would I be confused like this if I knew? I can't figure out anything, apparently. Well, that's not true. I've got my courses all set, except one which I wasn't so sure of. Now there were choices between courses that both looked good.

  Brian was there. "Hey, Pepper."

  "Hey, Brian." He actually knew my name, which felt kind of weird. What else did he know about me? Did he know Riley liked me before I did? His hair kind of had that in between styles look, or else he didn't give a shit.

  I kept going, walking past Riley, pretending I wasn't completely wary of him. Deseree almost bumped into me and she acted like it was the biggest imposition ever. I refused to apologize. Something about her made you want to, like you were avoiding the big blow-up you knew was coming.

  Mia wasn't there yet. Matilda was, as always. I said hello and got the customary greeting back. I supposed everything was fine if things were normal with Matilda, but then it would be until the moment she decided it wasn't.

  *

  Customers came, they wandered off with their orders and so it continued for a couple of hours until close to nine, when it started slowing down.

  "So, what are you going to do about Riley?" Ella asked once Mia had gone for her break.

  "What do you mean?" I said. Definitely deflecting because I had no idea what to say and really didn't want to talk about it. I sighed. "I might pretend none of it ever happened."

  "Way to deal," she said.

  I don't know, sounds pretty good to me. I scratched my head and almost hoped Mia would come back.

  "Although we're talking about Riley here, who is fundamentally incapable of leaving things alone."

  "Maybe this will be a first?" I said hopefully. Was that sincere though? Wasn't there a part of me that was beyond curious, and so excited I was basically quaking in my boots? A boy liked me. That was still piss in my pants exciting, just like when I was fourteen. It was good to know on some levels we were st
ill extraordinarily immature. Maybe my mom felt the same way whenever a hot doctor looked her way. It could be this was something we never got over.

  And let me reiterate how super excited I was that there was an audience for this little drama. Ella, Wyatt and Mia all knew. Probably Julian as well—Ella would have told him. I cringed. How could I make this all go away?

  We're talking about Riley here, not some easy guy you would just hang with. Riley was complex and intense, and difficult. I wasn't even sure I could deal with a guy like Riley beyond telling him to fuck off, which was the tactic I normally chose, except for the time when I'd actually fucked him. I cringed. Was it even possible to have an even keel with him? I wasn't a natural drama queen.

  "So what've you got planned for the weekend?" I asked as a way to change the subject, which was currently all about me.

  "We're going to the movies."

  That sounded so exciting, I could cry. Okay, maybe there was a bit of drama queen in me. "Cool." I probably should have asked what they were going to see, but I honestly didn't care. Me, I was buying school supplies. Again, maybe on the immature side, but I was excited. And then there were a million required reading books to buy. You're going to college, bitch. I mentally did a high five.

  A kid threw up behind us. It was the most dreadful sound you could hear when you were in food service. Ella's shoulders sank and I gave her a sympathetic frown. Being front of house had its benefits, but there was also a downside, and this was it. The mother was flustering around, clearly in distress. "Coming," Ella said brightly as she turned.

  Mia returned and I decided to take my break before Ella could come back and interrogate me further. I'd brought a tuna sandwich today, feeling like an old school classic. Maybe I was just hankering for comfort food.

  Riley's head turned when I stepped into the back. As per usual, his thoughts were unreadable in those dark eyes, but that lazy smile spread across his lips, just like he did before he pounced. He was definitely about to do something and I was the target. Yay.